Heartbreak

It is with a sad and heavy heart that I report we are back at square one.  We had a lengthy conversation with our inernational pediatrician late on Wednesday night where she reviewed the Chinese medical reports with us after we were able to obtain the untranslated Chinese documents, to make sure that there wasn't more infomation that we were missing.  Sometimes with language translations pieces get dropped.  This was the case for us.  What we found out by reading the origonal documentation was that Ben has a more severe and long-term defect that will most likely remain a moderate to severe special need throughout his life.  I don't think I have to state how badly this hurt our hearts.  I don't think Matt nor I got more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep after that phone conversation.  It was one of the hardest decisions to make I can ever remember.  In making our decision not to accept this referral, and this child, we were first considering the needs of our existing family, and the sacrifices that Madeline and Charlotte would have to make if we were to bring them a sibling with such extensive needs.  But the guilt of not accepting this child is real.  I keep thinking, "Well, if not us than WHO for this child?" and when I consider that there are 150 million orphans in this world who are parentless today, it bruises my heart.  I am trying to keep in mind that there is a boy for us, waiting for us, but that we just haven't found him yet.  I am praying that God will find Ben parents who can bring him home, love him, and support him throughout his life.  I am sad that it is not going to be us.  I have to say this feels like a miscarriage in a way: where the dream and hope of a child has been taken away.  It hurts.  But with time we will heal, I am sure of that.  We are so grateful for family and friends who have chosen to walk with us and support us through this experience.  Thank you. 

For now, we will continue to work on our Chinese dossier paperwork, and wait.  Stay posted.